Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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