By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
