this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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