Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
