She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
