Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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