Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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