3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
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