I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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