i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
