im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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