So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
