I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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