They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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