I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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