Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
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