She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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