I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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