im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
