You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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