Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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