holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
