sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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