Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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