so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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