we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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