Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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