4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
