Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
