Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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