I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
cat food counts as protein by the way
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
