This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
