Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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