I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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