You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize