I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My vagina is officially offended.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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