When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
