Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
