Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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