i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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