and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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