State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
