dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
