I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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