I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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