Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
