I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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