M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
