It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
