today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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