Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize