he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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