Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize