Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
