Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
