omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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