Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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