That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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