it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
